Exclusivity and marriage

Today at the Mirror Maze, we discussed exclusivity and marriage. Here are some of the interesting pieces:

We discussed the various social norms involving marriage, and how they have varied, even in recent times. For example, in the culture we are in now, sex before marriage is normal, people marry late after their careers have settled, and the social norm after marriage is exclusivity. In Mitka's and my parents' generation, sex before marriage was less accepted, people married in their late teens or early twenties, the social norm was exclusivity, but divorce was very common. In Mitka's grandparents' generation, people married later, divorce was uncommon, but cheating was more socially accepted. I concluded that people's behavior stays the same, but what changes is what they keep secret and what they talk about, as well as the labels they use.

Next we discussed the mechanisms of cheating, the breaking of an exclusivity agreement. Mitka and I proposed the usual trope of being unsatisfied with one's relationship, failing to end it, for whatever reason, yet nonetheless intentionally either seeking another partner or accepting one that comes along. Hannah proposed a more interesting mechanism, that a person can change or be placed in a context where they no longer identify with their past self who made the exclusivity agreement. It's certainly more interesting than the "lapse of judgement" trope, and, as far as I can tell, reasonably common.

We also discussed our personal preferences. Mitka favored exclusivity. I favored exclusivity for more serious relationships, and non-exclusivity for less serious ones. Hannah did not have a general policy. Mitka and I also claimed to be unlikely to cheat. Hannah challenged this, saying that we couldn't really predict what we'd do in sufficiently different contexts. I countered that I had, at one time in the past, considered this exact possibility, and decided to not be exclusive because of it, and that, another time, I had turned down a tempting offer because of an exclusive relationship. Hannah suggested that I still couldn't predict what I'd do in the future. I agreed that I couldn't rule anything out completely, but said that past experience made it fair to say that cheating in the future would be unlikely.